How to cope with losing someone close to you
Jeraldine Phneah
August 20, 2023 • Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes
Coping with loss is something all of us must face, yet few speak openly about it.
Whether it is the passing of a loved one, the fading of close friendships, or heartbreak in love—loss is part of the human experience.
In our 20s and 30s, we begin to encounter these moments more often. We start to see that nothing lasts forever. Life becomes a series of hellos and goodbyes, and we learn that change is the only constant.
This reminds me of a Taoist teaching: 无常 (wúcháng)—impermanence. Like a river, life is always in motion. Resisting this truth causes suffering. But when we accept it, we begin to live in harmony with what is.
Instead of clinging to what is fleeting, we should learn to appreciate things as they are, in the moment that they exist. The beauty of a flower isn’t diminished because it will eventually wither; rather, its impermanence makes its presence even more precious.
That’s why I’m dedicating this space to exploring loss—not just to acknowledge the grief that comes with it, but to find meaning in how we navigate it.
1. Finding meaning in loss
In early 2020, I chanced upon a moving post where someone was sharing about losing his partner.
It deeply resonated with me, capturing the doubts and difficult emotions many of us experience—along with ways to navigate them.
Here is how he perceives it:
🌿 These are all part of the human experience
A year after losing the most important person in my life, I lost the closest person in my life.
Splitting stuff, moving out, leaving memories behind. And in the midst of all that, to pack up my life in boxes, move to another country and start anew.
But in my mistakes and difficulties, I've learnt the important lessons about life.
Most importantly, I'm getting a sense that our perception of life is measured not in time, but in love and loss.
In that vein, since young, I have led a very fulfilling life.
I have loved bravely, I have lost humbly. I have felt the pain of some and shared the joy of others. I have felt despondence and inspiration. I have been in the ravines of sorrows as much as I have scaled the heights of happiness.
Hope, thinking about what you can learn and recognizing that you have a choice
And through this journey three things are essential:
Hope - a belief that things can be better;
Learn - be the best person you can be for yourself and the people around you and
Choice - that you cannot control your fate but you can alter your destiny.
🌿 The downs help us appreciate the ups better
But the fundamental question is: is it worth it? Would it be, in the end? I would say yes. Because without love, you will never experience real loss. And without loss, you will never truly understand love.
And these intertwined concepts of the heart, applied to people, places, or experiences, create the beauty in those moments that take our breath away.
So open your heart. Live boldly. Love deeply. Be vulnerable. Be unafraid to lose.
For the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.
2. Reframing Loss Through Gratitude
The most helpful way I’ve coped with endings is by reframing them as experiences to be grateful for.
When my Ah Ma passed away, I did not deal with it well because I had several regrets.
I was also angry with the situation and myself. I started to isolate myself and simply disappeared from social circles.
What I find useful was really approaching things from the perspective of gratitude:
How lucky were we to be able to share and learn from each other for as long as we did.
Rather than mourn for a future that never was, why not rejoice at the time we had together instead?
How wonderful that I could experience my Ahma’s love for as long as I did.
Now, I can share the love I have for one person by opening my heart up to others, and to give my best to her children and grandchildren.
现在我知道了，很多事情不知不觉就来 （Source: In the mood for love)
3. Lessons in letting go
I once spent over a year trying to move on from someone.
I’m not even sure when my feelings for him grew so deep. I started noticing the smallest things about him. It brought me so much joy to care for him in these little ways. He had such an intensive job, and I hoped these small gestures could offer him even a moment of comfort.
Things didn’t work out. I never once questioned my decision. What I wasn’t prepared for was how long it would take to move on.
Through this experience, I learned key lessons about letting go:
1. Just have a clean break:
Looking back, we should have kept more distance. He once showed up at an event knowing I was going to be there for sure. That evening and the subsequent weeks were difficult for me.
He would reach out when facing struggles in his personal life to ask for advice. I did wonder if I should just ignore these messages but I guess a part of me could not bear the thought of him feeling any kind of pain.
On my end, I did reach out to check in from time to time. My questions were always the same “How have you been these days? How are you feeling?” 其实我不要求什么，只希望你快乐
2. Do not consume their content
When I missed him, I will look at our old photos or watch videos of him speaking at panels. I would read the articles with a mix of admiration and wistfulness.
If I did not do that to myself, I might have moved on faster.
3. Accept reality as it is
I guess part of me always had some hope that the situation could be different. I remember having a 小小的愿望 which was that one day, we can talk to each other like normal people.
There is no alternate universe out there. There is only one reality that I live in and that is the present. 放下的第一步，是要接受事实，停下心里所有的疑问。
Despite life having several goodbyes and saying farewell being an inevitable part of life, it is still important to invest emotionally into people, open our hearts and give our best.
I once asked someone how come he still gives his all in relationships despite being heartbroken so many times.
His reply was:
“I always give my best because if things fail, I know I can take it.”
Despite life’s many goodbyes, it is still worth showing up wholeheartedly. To love is to risk, but it is also to grow.
We may not be able to control who stays or what changes—but we can trust in our own ability to heal, to learn, and to keep moving forward.
In a fast-paced place like Singapore, where many of us are focused on work, caregiving, and simply getting through the day, it is easy to bury our pain.
Loss, when acknowledged and reflected upon, can be a quiet teacher. It reminds us of what matters, and shapes the way we show up for those around us.